Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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