Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
