I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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