Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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