Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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