I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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