Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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