the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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