i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
ok first of all what the fuck
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
