Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
