i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
