I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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