Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
