O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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