Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
