i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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