Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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