mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize