If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
