I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
