Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize