I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
