So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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