she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
