You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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