im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
