...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
