We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
