tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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