The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
