I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
