Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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