If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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