Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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