Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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