It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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