Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
