i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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