Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
