Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
