i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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