haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
