i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
