dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
