You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
