I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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