you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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