he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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