Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize