I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
