he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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