somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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