Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
