i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
