Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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