id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
