Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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