Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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