I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize