You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
