i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
