I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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