The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize