You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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