I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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