Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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