She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
